If you look back on your relationship history, it’s quite likely that you had sex with someone after the first three or four dates (or sooner!) And you also might realize that quite likely, that sex is what led you into the relationship. That’s often the way it happens with lesbians.

We have a few dates, and if there is attraction, we sleep with each other, then, viola! Relationship. The problem with this scenario is that you likely haven’t had the essential conversations or experiences that are necessary to figure out whether she’s right for you. And if you look back at those relationships, you probably can see red flags that you didn’t pay attention to after you had sex.

So why is sex too soon a bad idea? It’s because of a concept called “limerence.” Limerence is a psychological term for that early, “in love” feeling. You feel as if this person is just the right person for you. She’s the real deal this time. She has all of these wonderful qualities. The two of you really are in sync and it feels like you’ve known each other forever.

Those are hormones talking – you are basically drugged.

When you are in limerence, your brain is pumping out oxytocin, dopamine, and endogenous opioids (your internal version of heroin.) You are literally stoned into thinking all of those things. This is designed by evolution so that two people bond long enough for a baby to happen. And even though lesbians can’t produce offspring unassisted, we still have those hormones! And limerence can last from 3 to 6 months (and sometimes as long as a year.)

So what’s the alternative?

Slow down! Wait for a lot longer than a few dates before you have sex. Get to know her better. See her in different environments. Talk about your relationship vision, and hear hers, and find out whether the two of you are actually compatible. Find out if she has conscious relationship skills.

If you don’t slow down, it’s likely limerence will make it much harder for you to figure out whether she’s really right for you, and whether the two of you can have a happy, healthy relationship.

One comment:

  1. Profile photo of

    January 4, 2017 at 9:49 am

    Sex too soon can short circuit the “getting to know you” process, because it tends to “rush” the relationship, where the partners can make erroneous assumptions.

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