Online dating, especially on the mainstream sites, can feel like a morass. You’re on a dating site, and you message someone, and she doesn’t write back. You notice that people have viewed your profile, but they haven’t messaged you. You start messaging with someone and all of a sudden they stop communicating. And what happens?

Far too often, women take this personally.

But you shouldn’t. There are fifty million reasons why this happens, and none of them are about you. None of them are about your loveability, none of them are about your character, or who you are as a person, or how you will be as a partner. None of them are about whether or not you’ll be able to find someone else.

All too often, when women say things like “online dating is hard” or “online dating feels like a chore,” it’s because of the unnecessary emotional weight that they are adding to the process. Looking at profiles asking, “is she the one?” instead of looking at profiles and asking, “is she someone I’d like to get to know?” is one example of unnecessary emotional weight. Let’s say you find someone who looks interesting, and then you start to spin fantasies about them (this is natural.) Then, you message them, and they don’t write back. And you feel sadness and disappointment. That sadness and disappointment is largely because of the fantasies. That’s also unnecessary emotional weight. Naming fantasies takes away their power.

If you think about the dating process as, “I’m going about meeting new interesting women, and I want to enjoy the process,” rather than “I’m looking for the one, where is she?” you are likely to approach dating with a much lighter, more fun perspective. And that, in turn, is likely to make you seem more attractive.

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